is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
