Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
