If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
