Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
