I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize