Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
