He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
3 2 1 whiskey
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
