Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
