Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
