I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
