can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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