I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
