I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
