on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We had to coat check the pizza.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
