the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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