Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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