Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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