Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
