Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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