We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
