if you like me you must not know who I am
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
