my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
