I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
