Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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