I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
