thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
