I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
