I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
