At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize