I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
