My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
