She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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