I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
