Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think my moral compass just broke
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