I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It was confusing and full of hummus
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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