I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
