I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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