yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
