Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize