I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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