She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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