ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
