My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
