im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
