im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
