i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
