his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
