i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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