My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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