its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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