The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
