i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
