I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
