My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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