im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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