And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
