he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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