I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
