I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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