your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
