i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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