Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
