Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
