my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
