Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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