If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
