this beer tastes like vomit already
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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