If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
