had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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