We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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