I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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