You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
